“When are you going to have a baby?” It’s a question that can feel incredibly personal, uncomfortable, and intrusive — whether you’re trying to conceive or not. Some people might not want kids at all. Others may be trying to get pregnant and haven’t had luck yet. Some might already have a child, but are unsure if they want another baby. Of course, you may feel comfortable answering the question or even want to discuss your plans with certain family and friends. This is OK too! No matter what, only you and your partner need to be “in” on the real answer to this question. Here are a few different tactics you can use if someone asks you about your plans for future children.
Redirect
Having a few quick responses in your back pocket can help you skip the question entirely while also changing the subject. Saying, “I’m not sure,” or “I really don’t know” then asking them a completely off-topic question in response is a great way to control the conversation, while clearly and politely changing the subject.
Decline to Answer
If deflecting doesn’t work and the person simply won’t stop pressing you for an answer, it’s ok to shut down their line of questioning. Don’t worry about feeling rude. Simply saying, “I know you mean well, but that’s something I don’t want to talk about” is completely fair game. You don’t owe anyone such personal information if you don’t care to talk about it. If the person seems offended, let it roll off your back, lady. It’s a private topic, and you’re well within your rights to politely say so.
Take a Moment to Educate
Depending on your mood and relationship with the person asking, you might feel like this is a good chance to educate them on how personal this particular subject can be. A polite but firm reply might be, “I know you’re coming from a place of curiosity, but this question could really be uncomfortable for someone dealing with fertility issues. Let’s change the topic!”
Make a Joke
A casual joke might be just the thing you need to quickly shut down the “when are you having a baby” question. Making a quip shows that you’re not going to answer the question seriously, and deflects with some lighthearted humor. For instance, you could respond: "We already have a baby! Our puppy is the best fur baby in the world!” Or, if you’re feeling a bit more bold, you might say: “when people stop asking all the time,” or even “we’re just practicing right now!”
Answer the Question if You’re Comfortable
Everyone feels differently about sharing information about whether (or not) they’re trying to start or grow their family. If you know the person truly has your best interests at heart, or know they are a safe and trusted member of your support system, you might feel comfortable sharing more with them. Sometimes it can feel good to confide in a loved one. Trying to get pregnant can be a trying time for some, and camaraderie and support can feel helpful. Sometimes hearing about someone else’s experience with trying to conceive, experiencing secondary infertility, or choosing to be child-free, can help you feel like you’re not alone.
It’s completely normal to feel defensive or uncomfortable if someone asks you when you’re planning to get pregnant, even if these questions come from a close friend or relative. But we hope these responses help you feel prepared to address the topic in a quick and effective way if it comes up in conversation.