To parents and all of those who have young ones in their lives: This is hard. You don’t have to solve it by yourself. It is OK to grieve. Be present for your child. And remember, we can make a difference.
On May 24, 2022, 19 children and two teachers were killed in a horrific school shooting, the worst our country has seen in nearly 10 years. While many call this tragedy “unimaginable,” it is not in fact unimaginable, given that this was the 27th school shooting so far this year, and well over 200 mass shootings have taken place so far in the United States in 2022 alone.
In fact, in 2020, death by firearm moved into the No. 1 place for cause of death in children and teens, claiming 4,300 young lives that year alone. And it has stayed there. In our country, unlike many other parts of the developed world, we have more guns than people. Sadly, but not surprisingly, more U.S. schoolchildren have died from guns over the last two decades than have on-duty police officers or active-duty military.
If you are a parent, you may be wondering right now how to respond, how to talk about shocking or tragic events like this with your child, and also if there is anything tangible you can do to help.
Be Gentle with Yourself
To begin with, know that the sadness, shock, grief, fear or even the outrage you may be feeling right now as a parent are all normal. This is part of what makes you human, and part of the collective grief we share as a society. Allow yourself to feel these emotions in ways that make sense to you.
Maybe this means talking with a trusted friend or therapist or clergy, or journaling your thoughts, or turning your feelings into artwork. Maybe it means joining or starting an advocacy group, or offering to become involved in safety committees at your child’s school, or contacting your local officials. Allowing yourself to process your emotions will enable you to be better equipped to help your children do the same.
How to Respond to Young Children about Gun Violence
If you have very young children (preschool and younger), it is likely best to shield them from upsetting information. This involves limiting conversation in their presence, as well as keeping news programs off when they are around.
If they do happen to learn about upsetting or violent events such as the Uvalde massacre, assure them of their safety and use simple, straightforward language. Children this age tend to think in very concrete, as opposed to abstract, terms. Ask what they may have heard or think they heard about the event, and help to correct any misconceptions if needed.
As Mister Rogers would say, teach them to “look for the helpers,” and remind them that when something very bad happens, we can almost always find people there who are helping.
Asking if they have questions about what they heard or saw, and providing just enough developmentally appropriate information to answer, can also be beneficial. They will usually ask for more if they need it.
Talking to Elementary School-Age Children
Elementary school-age kids may already be familiar with active-shooter drills from their own school experience, and hearing of an event such as a school shooting may affect them more deeply than a younger child. For this group, limiting news intake is still vitally important, as is trying to normalize the rest of their world.
Assure them their feelings are OK
These children may have real anxiety and fears, and it is important to let them express themselves. We need to meet their emotions with acceptance and compassion. Trying to convince them their feelings are not valid will likely intensify any fear they already have. Remind them that all of their feelings are OK and that you are here to listen and be present.
Encourage creative expression and therapy
Some kids may find that drawing or creating is an easier way to express themselves. If you have a child whose emotions are so overwhelming that they are interfering with normal activities like play, sleep, eating and school, it can be helpful to engage a therapist as well.
Finally, with kids this age, it’s OK to show your own sadness or worry, but try to avoid breakdowns or strong displays of emotion.
Having Conversations with Middle and High School Kids
For older children in middle or high school, it’s important to have open and honest conversations about these events. It is most helpful if they hear about such events from a parent first, but in our modern world of instantaneous news availability, the internet and texting, that is not always possible.
Address inaccuracies and questions
You can start by asking them what they know or have heard, and addressing any inaccuracies. Let them lead the conversation, but encourage them to also talk about how they are feeling about the event and ask them what questions they have. If they seem overwhelmed, remind them that it’s OK to have strong emotions, and also that you can always take a break and pick up later if they need.
Support ways of managing their feelings
For kids in this age group, they may find journaling, art, exercise, meditation or distraction to be useful in managing their feelings. Again, it may be helpful to engage a therapist if they are really struggling or their feelings are interfering in their daily activities.
Offer to help with advocacy work
For kids and teens who are interested, offer to help them become involved in advocacy work, which can not only alleviate feelings of helplessness, but may also give them a sense of purpose.
A Catalyst for Positive Change and Action
As parents, we are uniquely qualified to speak out on behalf of children and do what we can to ensure their safety and security. All loving parents want their children to live long, full and happy lives, and an event such as a school shooting drives home the reality that this does not always happen.
As catastrophic and heartbreaking an event such as this can be, it can also serve as a catalyst for positive change and action.
The night after the massacre in Uvalde, I, like so many other parents, lay with my sleeping child in my arms, snuggling her and inhaling her sweet smell, and crying bitter tears for the parents who could no longer hold their babies. We must find a way to bring our society to a place where we love and value our children more than we love and value money, power and guns. And I believe education and advocacy are ways we can help this come to be.
Reputable Sources on the Effects of Gun Violence on Children
You can learn more about the effects of gun violence on our children and our society from reputable sources such as:
If you are so led, you can join an advocacy group such as:
Support mental health programs in your community and urge local officials to fund them. Write or talk to those elected officials. In the end, after we have offered our thoughts and prayers, we can effect real change by using our voices, our votes and our time.
This information was first published by LNP, June 5, 2022.